Christmas Tradition: The Thoughtless Gift Guide

Back in 2004, when for one bright shining moment I was actually putting my college training to use, I was publishing regularly in the Buffalo Beast, a always very political, often very funny and offensive at every opportunity free newspaper circulated in the city of Buffalo, NY. The paper -- co-founded by a guy named Matt Taibbi who, I've heard, left to go work on some rag called Rolling Stone, or something -- is long gone, but my clip file endures. One of my favorite pieces, from Christmas 2004 is reprinted without permission below. Enjoy, and Happy Holidays!

Buffalo Beast #65

Ho-Ho-Hum:

The Thoughtless Gift Guide

By Jeff Dean

It's noon on Christmas eve and you've just learned that cousin Todd has been paroled and will be coming to Christmas dinner, or maybe you are "secret Santa" to the new kid in shipping who eats his lunch in the john. The clock is ticking, your credit card is scorched and suddenly you've gone from jolly to humbug. Don't panic. There are plenty of options for the last-minute gift-giver who has neither the thought nor the cash to put into another gift.

It goes without saying that you will start your hunt at a discount chain store such as Wal-Mart or Target. These stores have anticipated your arrival and have stocked their doorways and front aisles with dozens of thoughtless gifts, most under $10.

For the less-than-special woman in your life, consider a scarf and glove set, handsome winter accessories that are colorful, yet as protective as cheesecloth. Slipper sets are also popular because, hey, everyone has feet (though, with the war, you may want to check first). Resin fountains and musical water globes sporting fairies, angels and critters are also a favorite with the get-in-get-the-hell-out shopper. Why not splurge and pick up a matching resin garden stone inscribed with wispy verse?

There is no shortage of thoughtless gifts for the gent you have to buy for. Motorized tie racks, TV shaped remote control caddies, talking pedometers and 3-in-1 anythings abound at holiday time. Particularly obnoxious are the miniature pool or dart sets. Imagine the hours of fun you'll have imagining your lame-ass brother-in-law actually shooting pool on his lame-ass 5x7 inch table. And who doesn't like snacks? You could go spend an arm and a leg at Hickory Farms, or you could just stop at the drugstore and pick up a box from the Chestnut Creek Country Snack collection. For less than $5 you get smoked cheese spread, crackers, tea and sausage. The peace of mind is free.

A very popular "oh shit" gift is the mug set. Usually packaged with coffee, cocoa or soup, these handy packs come with mugs or bowls emblazoned with popular logos. This year, among the traditional Campbell's and Hershey's packs, you will find sets from John Deere, Field & Stream and NASCAR.

Maybe you've given the mug set too many times to the loser on your list, but you still don't want to come off like you care. No problem, with Kammenstein's hardwood mug tree, which prices at about half of what another mug set would have set you back.

If your budget is a little more flexible, consider a multipurpose watch. Toolmaker Stanley has lent its name to a line of watches that, in addition to, presumably, telling time, also open bottles, drive screws flash lights and offer level gauges. The watches come in metal replica toolboxes that can also double as an attractive casket for small pets.

For the ladies who barely blip on your emotional radar, seek out a nice shrink-wrapped tub of hyper-allergenic lotions and soaps, such as Wal-Mart's 20-pound Comfort & Care set, which includes bubble baths, shampoos and loofahs wrapped in a huge gilt basket so tasteless Donald Trump would roll his eyes.

If you want to be more subtly obnoxious, spring for the Febreze ScentStories player. Clocking in at just under $30, this useless gem uses fragrance cartridges to tell a story, such as "Walking Barefoot on the Beach" or "Relaxing in the Hammock." The cartridge cycles through different scents as it plays, supposedly telling an olfactory tale. Sounds ridiculous, but just try to find one.

There are so many choices for the thoughtless gift-giver, you'll wish you were obligated to put more names on your list. But instead, just relax, have a cup of Harley Davidson cocoa, maybe a bite off the sausage log, and be glad it's over for another year.

Going Green

Just one more color to go. I'm really pleased with the colors and the coverage I'm getting from my Renaissance Graphics ink.

This light green will serve as the base for a darker green. I've had few issues with this print, and I'm surprised a bit because when a large area gets cut away, I am often plagued by ink getting on the block in areas it shouldn't be. Am--am I getting better? Gasp!🤔😁

Ask Amy

Me: I think I might be done with the print.
Amy: Really? I thought you had one more color.
Me: Yeah, I was going to. But I don't know how much it will add to it. Why don't you take a look at it and temm me what you think.....Besides, so much of the block is missing now, it would just be a pain to print.
(too long pause)
Amy: Well, you know I'm going to say it needs the last color.
Me (sigh) I know.

That night, I reluctantly went to the studio. Just as I said, it was a long painful experience inking the block.

As she said, it needed it.

Her advice, even when I ask for it, is usually ill-timed, inconvenient, and ill-informed. But it's always right. I mean always. Thank you Sweet Pea!

A River Runs Through It

This is state #4 of the second try for the "Ohio St Bridge" print. I am happy to report that the new ink has performed excellently. The inks are Graphic Chemical and Renaissance Graphic inks. I have abandoned burnt plate oil for hydrolyzed linseed oil, known as Sets well. This gives inks a creamy, buttery texture that allowed the ink to stand up and flow out, making coverage easier and facilitating overprinting. I only use a small amount, and even with white ink, it works great. I have also switched from Grumbacher cobalt drier to Hancock, which I used for ten years without issue. One single drop per ounce of ink and The print is dry the next day. There are 3 more colors. This print will be my entry in the 2016 Erie County Fair.

Art Conne-sewer

This weekend my wife and I went into Buffalo to poke around an estate sale. looking for a few mid century modern gems to hoard away in the garage. We found a beautiful mansion on the north side of the city near the museum district, a house that just went on forever. Not our style, but you have to admire places like that. Anyway, on one wall they had this gem. Couldn't tell you the artist or the price; I was so blown away by the exquisite hideousness of it, all I could to was snap a quick photo.

Later, after posting the picture to FB, a large number of friends tried to get me to go back in and buy it. I really wanted to, if only to donate it to the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts. I didn't, of course. I guess I was too sore from my pride being batted around -- got more attention for posting this than any of my woodcuts. But that's the way she goes.

So, without further ado, please enjoy this baby:

My good friend, artist John Redden, who is pretty quick with a computer, did his best to encourage me to add this to my collection:

Frankly, it really opened my eyes as to the imact of setting on artwork, cuz there it's a mite less creepy!

Hall of Heroes: Edvard Munch

I scream for Munch's "Scream."

This painting seems...familiar.

Although in my own work, I tend to gravitate toward the light and bright, that is certainly not where I live, day-to-day, as my poor wife will tell you. And while my output over the years has focused on the visual beauty of nature, my creativity feeds mainly on the stark, tortured and emotionally anguished images of the Expressionists. Favorite among them, of course, is Edvard Munch (pronounced "Moooonk", although if you pronounce it to rhyme with "crunch", it will make Expressionists around you laugh, and face it, they could use a smile).

Most famous for "The Scream," Munch is as well known for his woodcuts as he is for his paintings. In fact, he often did the same images in different media.



Munch is often referred to as "The Clown Prince of Norwegian Expressionism." Not.

I find his woodcuts severe, having a certain darkness that the paintings do not. He takes no opportunity to smooth out the gouges in the wood, and sometimes it looks like they were made by a prisoner who only had a nail and a board. That, of course, is a compliment.

It hasn't shown up yet, but Munch's inspiration is in me, somewhere. Maybe over there, in that cobwebbed, shadowy corner in my mind.

Hall of Heroes: Matt Brown

After making my first woodcuts, I went looking for other woodcut artists on the web, and I was not disappointed. One of the first to pop up was the work of artist Matt Brown.

While his subject matter is decidedly American, my favorites being his urban prints, his style comes from the traditional Japanese hanga method. Soft, fluid colors give the prints a dreamy look, as opposed to the bold blocks of color present in western-style woocuts.

I would later learn that Dorothy Markert had studied at one of Matt Brown's workshops. Small world!

Visit him at www.ooloopress.com.

Hall of Heroes: Gustave Baumann

Gustave Baumann has been the single greatest influence on me as a printmaker. Shortly after I began with woodcuts, a Baumann print showed up on an episode of "Antiques Roadshow" on PBS. I was probably only a month or two into printmaking, and I didn't know any woodcut artists. The only woodcuts I'd really seen were the black & white wordless books of Frans Masereel and some graphic design work. Gustave Baumann opened the door to amazing possibilities in print.

A year later, I learned that there was going to be a small display of Baumann's western works at the Chicago Institute of Art. We took the train to Chicago to take in the exhibit, a glass artists' convention, and a lot of Frank Lloyd Wright.

Before settling down in New Mexico, where a museum houses many of his works, Baumann spent a short period of time in Wyoming, NY, a hop skip and a jump down Route 20A here in Western New York. It's fun to match up some of his prints of that time with the landscape in that area.

I have two large books of Baumann's work, and I still reference them when I'm drawing out plans for a print, and I imagine I always will.